Chronic Pain is Back

This week has been a week of ups and downs. First, I passed my PPR test to become a certified teacher. Although I have one more test to pass, I am very happy that I am halfway there to becoming certified. It's exciting and scary all at once.

However, that news was smack down in the middle of being diagnosed with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, again. 

I feel angry. I am angry with God because I don't understand what TOS has anything to do with furthering the kingdom of God. I am angry because I just had elbow surgery and it is likely that the elbow surgery was not needed because once again, I have TOS. I am angry that I have to go down the road of chronic pain and rib removal all over again. And frankly, I am angry because I just don't have time for a chronic pain diagnosis.

Chronic pain, as I have learned, changes me. That makes me angry because not many 20 year old's can resonate with chronic pain. Not many 20 year old's understand how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when the pain is too much. Not many understand what it's like to feel alone in the way that I do. It's hard. 

I will be the first to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid of surgery again. I am afraid of recovery. I am afraid that this surgery will be another one that doesn't work and I'll have to have another surgery. I am afraid of my chronic pain because I don't like the person I become. I am afraid because I am angry, so angry, with God. 

So if you read this, I just ask that you pray. Pray for my heart to be softened as I want a relationship with Christ. I want to feel his presence and warmth. I want to understand. I don't want to hurt. I want to be okay and healthy. And I just can't understand why God would make my body, or anyone else's body like this. Pray that there is a better solution other than surgery as I don't want to go under the knife for the fifth time. Please just pray for me. And my family as this isn't easy on them either.

Thank you.

Binding Up The Wounds

Pain sucks.

I've experienced an enormous amount of pain in my life. From physical to emotional - surgery to death - I've experienced a lot compared to some 21 year olds. Yet, I feel like I haven't compared to others.

Tonight, I wanted to put pain in perspective. As a Christian, I find myself struggling with the weight of always wanting to be okay and wanting to be real. However, last year, if any resident was having a rough time and struggling with not being okay, I would simply say, "It's okay to not be okay." Yet, I can't seem to take my own advice.

My pain today is different. I watched someone I love dearly find out that someone that they love dearly was murdered. I didn't know pain until today. I didn't know what it was like to feel like your heart is being ripped out when the situation had nothing to do with me. I didn't know what it felt like to watch someone bawl their eyes out so hard that they are just out of it and done. I didn't know pain until today. 

It makes me think about my mom. My mom is an extremely incredible person. Yet, anytime I have been in pain she has always said that she feels it too. However, I never understood that/believed her. I basically lashed out any time she said that because there was no way that she was hurting like I was. Today, I apologized to my mom for being a terrible human being. Today, I understand and comprehend that pain beyond belief.

Then I think about Jesus and I can't imagine or fathom the amount of pain He endured while getting beaten on that cross. I will never have any idea. Yet, I see His sacrifice and love so much more now. I see that He truly truly truly wanted our sins to be paid for. I don't get it. I don't understand. And I sit here in unbelief that God could let something like this happen - I am reminded that sometimes, He's ready for us to come home. 

So here's to pain and all the joy that tomorrow brings.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.