Sometimes I just don't deal well. So this summer, I got some really awesome advice. I was told that when things got to be too much that I just need to breathe.
And that's worked up until this point.
Many people know that I had a rib out and if you don't...where have you been? I had a rib out because a very important nerve by the shoulder was entrapped so basically, blood was not being pumped effectively to my left arm. My hand was constantly numb and tingly. My elbow hurt a lot. My shoulder killed me. I got no relief. No pain pill, muscle relaxer, steroid, or cortisone shot could stop the pain. Nothing. So, I had a rib out.
Here we are 8 and 1/2 months later, no pain. Until Monday. I had a flare up this week. Flare ups can be caused by a number of things ranging from something simple like sleeping on my arm wrong to something very serious such as stress management (have I mentioned I don't deal well?). Any number of things could of caused my flare but you could say I've been freaking out. And I haven't been able to "just breathe".
I honestly don't think that I hurt it too seriously but all these thoughts began running through my mind that I did hurt myself again. My biggest fear at this moment is that I am going to have to go back under the knife. And my stress level from that is off the chart.
I am not afraid of surgery. My rib surgery was the third surgery I've had in my life. Yes, I'm only twenty and I've already had three different surgeries...let's not think about that. So to say that I fear surgery is not correct. My fear is recovery. I had a really bad experience during recovery. I was allergic to the medicine they gave me. So long story short, I threw up a lot. A lot. A lot. And when you have had a breathing tube put in you; you tend to be very sore the next few weeks and so the heaving to throw up was the absolute worse.
So all of these fears are running through my mind. And I have a job to worry about. I have school to worry about. School that I can't miss. School that I want to excel in and apply myself in. A job that I want to excel in. A job that I want to love.
Basically, this pain couldn't come at a worse time.
And as you can imagine, my relationship with Christ has also taken a huge blow. First, let me express how thankful I am that anytime I do something wrong, Christ doesn't just disown me like I sometimes do to Him. It's a good thing when He was on the Cross and being abused past the point of recognition that He didn't just say, "You know, God, I don't think I want to do this anymore." My pain is simple. It's in the shoulder. No one is sitting here whipping me, nailing me to a cross, and abusing me past the point of recognition.
When in pain, when I can't deal, my first instinct is to shut down. You can ask a number of people and they will tell you that this is what I tend to do. I tend to distant myself from anyone and everyone who cares about me, including Christ.
As I am having pain at the very moment I am writing this, my first instinct is to not to thank God for who He is but ask "why me?"
I feel God is so distant in these times. But it's totally me. My prayer life has been inconsistent, my quiet time has been inconsistent, my reading has been inconsistent and I wonder why I am feeling so down and alone. And in pain?
Sometimes, as Christians, I feel that we think God is a distant God that doesn't care about us. Maybe that's a little drastic but sometimes, I feel like my hopes, dreams, fears and pain are too little for God to care. But that thought is totally bogus. It's something that the devil plants into our head so that we will continue to be INCONSISTENT.
When in actuality, God is a loving and near God. He WANTS us to literally come to Him for everything. Every single thing. To have a God that loves us that much kind of blows my stinking mind every single day. I didn't do a thing to get that privilege or that love.
"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the BROKENHEARTED; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:17 -18
So if you are like me and you are struggling to find God's goodness during the trials and the pain -- I encourage you to rest in that verse and the truth in that. He is always here for us.
I also always encourage you to just breathe.
Don't forget to EXHALE.
