Chronic Pain is Back

This week has been a week of ups and downs. First, I passed my PPR test to become a certified teacher. Although I have one more test to pass, I am very happy that I am halfway there to becoming certified. It's exciting and scary all at once.

However, that news was smack down in the middle of being diagnosed with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, again. 

I feel angry. I am angry with God because I don't understand what TOS has anything to do with furthering the kingdom of God. I am angry because I just had elbow surgery and it is likely that the elbow surgery was not needed because once again, I have TOS. I am angry that I have to go down the road of chronic pain and rib removal all over again. And frankly, I am angry because I just don't have time for a chronic pain diagnosis.

Chronic pain, as I have learned, changes me. That makes me angry because not many 20 year old's can resonate with chronic pain. Not many 20 year old's understand how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when the pain is too much. Not many understand what it's like to feel alone in the way that I do. It's hard. 

I will be the first to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid of surgery again. I am afraid of recovery. I am afraid that this surgery will be another one that doesn't work and I'll have to have another surgery. I am afraid of my chronic pain because I don't like the person I become. I am afraid because I am angry, so angry, with God. 

So if you read this, I just ask that you pray. Pray for my heart to be softened as I want a relationship with Christ. I want to feel his presence and warmth. I want to understand. I don't want to hurt. I want to be okay and healthy. And I just can't understand why God would make my body, or anyone else's body like this. Pray that there is a better solution other than surgery as I don't want to go under the knife for the fifth time. Please just pray for me. And my family as this isn't easy on them either.

Thank you.

And Exhale

Sometimes I don't deal with things very well. For example, when I'm having a really bad day, you will know. It will be written all over my face. You will know that my day has sucked by my attitude and actions.

Sometimes I just don't deal well. So this summer, I got some really awesome advice. I was told that when things got to be too much that I just need to breathe.

And that's worked up until this point.

Many people know that I had a rib out and if you don't...where have you been? I had a rib out because a very important nerve by the shoulder was entrapped so basically, blood was not being pumped effectively to my left arm. My hand was constantly numb and tingly. My elbow hurt a lot. My shoulder killed me. I got no relief. No pain pill, muscle relaxer, steroid, or cortisone shot could stop the pain. Nothing. So, I had a rib out.

Here we are 8 and 1/2 months later, no pain. Until Monday. I had a flare up this week. Flare ups can be caused by a number of things ranging from something simple like sleeping on my arm wrong to something very serious such as stress management (have I mentioned I don't deal well?). Any number of things could of caused my flare but you could say I've been freaking out. And I haven't been able to "just breathe".

I honestly don't think that I hurt it too seriously but all these thoughts began running through my mind that I did hurt myself again. My biggest fear at this moment is that I am going to have to go back under the knife. And my stress level from that is off the chart.

I am not afraid of surgery. My rib surgery was the third surgery I've had in my life. Yes, I'm only twenty and I've already had three different surgeries...let's not think about that. So to say that I fear surgery is not correct. My fear is recovery. I had a really bad experience during recovery. I was allergic to the medicine they gave me. So long story short, I threw up a lot. A lot. A lot. And when you have had a breathing tube put in you; you tend to be very sore the next few weeks and so the heaving to throw up was the absolute worse.

So all of these fears are running through my mind. And I have a job to worry about. I have school to worry about. School that I can't miss. School that I want to excel in and apply myself in. A job that I want to excel in. A job that I want to love.

Basically, this pain couldn't come at a worse time.

And as you can imagine, my relationship with Christ has also taken a huge blow. First, let me express how thankful I am that anytime I do something wrong, Christ doesn't just disown me like I sometimes do to Him. It's a good thing when He was on the Cross and being abused past the point of recognition that He didn't just say, "You know, God, I don't think I want to do this anymore." My pain is simple. It's in the shoulder. No one is sitting here whipping me, nailing me to a cross, and abusing me past the point of recognition.

When in pain, when I can't deal, my first instinct is to shut down. You can ask a number of people and they will tell you that this is what I tend to do. I tend to distant myself from anyone and everyone who cares about me, including Christ.

As I am having pain at the very moment I am writing this, my first instinct is to not to thank God for who He is but ask "why me?"

I feel God is so distant in these times. But it's totally me. My prayer life has been inconsistent, my quiet time has been inconsistent, my reading has been inconsistent and I wonder why I am feeling so down and alone. And in pain?

Sometimes, as Christians, I feel that we think God is a distant God that doesn't care about us. Maybe that's a little drastic but sometimes, I feel like my hopes, dreams, fears and pain are too little for God to care. But that thought is totally bogus. It's something that the devil plants into our head so that we will continue to be INCONSISTENT.

When in actuality, God is a loving and near God. He WANTS us to literally come to Him for everything. Every single thing. To have a God that loves us that much kind of blows my stinking mind every single day. I didn't do a thing to get that privilege or that love.

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the BROKENHEARTED; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:17 -18

 

So if you are like me and you are struggling to find God's goodness during the trials and the pain -- I encourage you to rest in that verse and the truth in that. He is always here for us.

 

I also always encourage you to just breathe.

 

 



                                                                                                 Don't forget to EXHALE.