Chronic Pain is Back

This week has been a week of ups and downs. First, I passed my PPR test to become a certified teacher. Although I have one more test to pass, I am very happy that I am halfway there to becoming certified. It's exciting and scary all at once.

However, that news was smack down in the middle of being diagnosed with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, again. 

I feel angry. I am angry with God because I don't understand what TOS has anything to do with furthering the kingdom of God. I am angry because I just had elbow surgery and it is likely that the elbow surgery was not needed because once again, I have TOS. I am angry that I have to go down the road of chronic pain and rib removal all over again. And frankly, I am angry because I just don't have time for a chronic pain diagnosis.

Chronic pain, as I have learned, changes me. That makes me angry because not many 20 year old's can resonate with chronic pain. Not many 20 year old's understand how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when the pain is too much. Not many understand what it's like to feel alone in the way that I do. It's hard. 

I will be the first to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid of surgery again. I am afraid of recovery. I am afraid that this surgery will be another one that doesn't work and I'll have to have another surgery. I am afraid of my chronic pain because I don't like the person I become. I am afraid because I am angry, so angry, with God. 

So if you read this, I just ask that you pray. Pray for my heart to be softened as I want a relationship with Christ. I want to feel his presence and warmth. I want to understand. I don't want to hurt. I want to be okay and healthy. And I just can't understand why God would make my body, or anyone else's body like this. Pray that there is a better solution other than surgery as I don't want to go under the knife for the fifth time. Please just pray for me. And my family as this isn't easy on them either.

Thank you.

Binding Up The Wounds

Pain sucks.

I've experienced an enormous amount of pain in my life. From physical to emotional - surgery to death - I've experienced a lot compared to some 21 year olds. Yet, I feel like I haven't compared to others.

Tonight, I wanted to put pain in perspective. As a Christian, I find myself struggling with the weight of always wanting to be okay and wanting to be real. However, last year, if any resident was having a rough time and struggling with not being okay, I would simply say, "It's okay to not be okay." Yet, I can't seem to take my own advice.

My pain today is different. I watched someone I love dearly find out that someone that they love dearly was murdered. I didn't know pain until today. I didn't know what it was like to feel like your heart is being ripped out when the situation had nothing to do with me. I didn't know what it felt like to watch someone bawl their eyes out so hard that they are just out of it and done. I didn't know pain until today. 

It makes me think about my mom. My mom is an extremely incredible person. Yet, anytime I have been in pain she has always said that she feels it too. However, I never understood that/believed her. I basically lashed out any time she said that because there was no way that she was hurting like I was. Today, I apologized to my mom for being a terrible human being. Today, I understand and comprehend that pain beyond belief.

Then I think about Jesus and I can't imagine or fathom the amount of pain He endured while getting beaten on that cross. I will never have any idea. Yet, I see His sacrifice and love so much more now. I see that He truly truly truly wanted our sins to be paid for. I don't get it. I don't understand. And I sit here in unbelief that God could let something like this happen - I am reminded that sometimes, He's ready for us to come home. 

So here's to pain and all the joy that tomorrow brings.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

One Semester Closer

So what does acupuncture, stress, friends and work have to do with anything? Mainly, it means that this semester is finally complete. And I passed Spanish 3 with a "B" which is some sort of miracle that I can't even explain.

This semester has been filled with some much joy that I can't even begin to explain. I have never clicked so quickly with three different girls in my life that made them my best friends. (Ashley, Kaiti and Mikayla -- if ya'll are reading this, I am so thankful for you)

I couldn't imagine a better friend than Allyson either. I am so thankful for her in my life. She has been there through thick and thin. She's the coolest. I would do anything for that kid.

This semester, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life so if I didn't accomplish anything else (which I think I might have), I have decided that I am going to pursue my masters in Student Affairs and become a Resident Director. I am stoked. For the past few months, I have been looking at this website that posts jobs for Higher Education jobs and it's awesome just to see the potential future that I could have. I feel that God has given me the passion to inspire people. And if I never become a Resident Director, I will be okay because I will inspire people some other way. And that just makes me super giddy and excited about life. God is pretty cool.

And shoutout to my mentor, Francie, who has pushed me to follow my dreams. And for being my friend even when I'm in a terrible mood.

Also this semester, I became way too overly involved. Which made my life that much more stressful and awesome. I have met so many different people and have gotten to work with so many different people -- it's been awesome. I've been mentored by some of the greatest people at HPU. I love it.

I also got the cool opportunity to be an RA this semester and will be one again next semester. Most days are simple. I get to hang out with my residents and take them out to eat or just talk about life. Other times, my life is so chaotic that I don't get to hangout with them as much as I would like. And that makes me feel like I suck at my job.

I like that in those moments of suckage that God shows me just how much I don't suck in His eyes. Those moments are golden and precious. I hold them close to my heart. He reminds me that I am unworthy of so much but that when He died for me, He thought that my life was priceless. He's so good to me.

There was heartbreak as well this semester. I watched people struggle with mental health issues and that hurt my heart. I watched myself struggle with self worth and not ever believing I was good enough.

God is cool though with reminding me that I (and all of his children) are His masterpieces. And He is never through making masterpieces out of us.

So, in conclusion. First semester of Junior year was hard. Not going to lie or butter it up at all. But I am one semester closer to following through with my dreams. I am excited and happy and stoked for the future and what the good Lord holds.

Life is good. Stress be gone.

Here's to the FUTURE AHHHHH

I miss the simplicity of life when I was a kid.

Like, when I would fall down and scrape my leg, my mom would hug me and kiss the boo boo and everything would be okay...

I miss that.

Especially as a 20 year old and my mom can't kiss the boo boo's anymore. (I mean, I guess she could but I don't believe that that actually works unfortunately)

As I sit in a house, babysitting a dog, watching boy meets world and working on Spanish homework, I start thinking about my life. More importantly...the future.

In a few months, my junior year of college will officially be completed. It's crazy to think that I will be a senior in college in a matter of months. I will begin the applying to teaching jobs process. I will begin applying to grad schools. I will begin searching for apartments. I will begin slowly moving my life away from a town I've known for 21 years.

I know God has put a passion in me to work with students and I'm thankful that I know that that is my passion and that God allowed me to experience that passion through something I love: softball. I am blessed to have the opportunity to work for the Kingdom each and every day. I can't help but be a little afraid of what the future might hold though.

I think about how I'm going to afford everything.
I think about the responsibility of eventually owning a dog :)
I think about the lives that will be impacting me.
I think about moving from Bangs, TX, a town I've lived in my entire, to somewhere new and big.
I think about the kids I will be coaching.

And I'm so scared and nervous. My parents will stay here. My mom won't be there to hug me when it's been an awful day. My mom won't be there to take me to the doctor when my shoulder is acting up. I'm going to have to do this all by myself?

I'm always floored by the peace that Christ brings though. Even as I'm sitting here writing about my fears, I am overwhelmed by a steady and strong peace that only Jesus Christ bring.

I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that I don't have to walk through my whole life by myself. I am thankful that Christ is more than I will ever need. I am thankful I never have to walk in the dark because Jesus has brought so much light.

The thing about trusting God is...His plan is perfect. And I have absolutely nothing to fear.

Here's to the future. *takes a deep breath and takes sip of dr. pepper*

We need more Jennie Finch's

So since my blog is called "Starting Over" -- I thought I would start by saying that there are a lot of things that I would love to start over on. Some I have been given the chance to but others, unfortunately, I will never be able to start over.

For instance, my passion.

My goal from a very young age was to play for the US Olympic softball team. I knew that at four years old, I was going to accomplish that goal.

Yet, here I am.

There's this saying that God has given us all talents that we use to bring Him glory. I completely agree and understand that statement. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this. Even after becoming a Christian, I thought I worked my faith into the game but it was just obvious that I wasn't. I could talk about God all I wanted but to actually give glory to God for something I did...no. I didn't ever do that. So as God does, He sometimes takes things away just to show how powerful He is.

Needless to say, I will never be an Olympic softball player.

But that doesn't mean that some other little girl couldn't. Except, it does. Since 2008, girls all over the world have not been given the opportunity to play Olympic softball because it's been dropped. For the first time since then, softball and baseball are back in the pool at actually become a sport.

Not only is this a huge for me but also for the millions of girls that play softball.

So I am asking you to do something. I am asking you to back softball. I am asking you to become educated. I am asking you to give girls a chance. I am asking you to vote to put softball and baseball back in the Olympics.

If you don't listen to me...listen to a gold medalist...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/2013/09/02/jennie-finch-why-softball-should-be-in-olympics/2756255/

I don't know about you but I feel we need more Jennie Finch's in the world. We can make that happen.

The big vote happens on Sunday. Praying that girls actually have a chance.

And Exhale

Sometimes I don't deal with things very well. For example, when I'm having a really bad day, you will know. It will be written all over my face. You will know that my day has sucked by my attitude and actions.

Sometimes I just don't deal well. So this summer, I got some really awesome advice. I was told that when things got to be too much that I just need to breathe.

And that's worked up until this point.

Many people know that I had a rib out and if you don't...where have you been? I had a rib out because a very important nerve by the shoulder was entrapped so basically, blood was not being pumped effectively to my left arm. My hand was constantly numb and tingly. My elbow hurt a lot. My shoulder killed me. I got no relief. No pain pill, muscle relaxer, steroid, or cortisone shot could stop the pain. Nothing. So, I had a rib out.

Here we are 8 and 1/2 months later, no pain. Until Monday. I had a flare up this week. Flare ups can be caused by a number of things ranging from something simple like sleeping on my arm wrong to something very serious such as stress management (have I mentioned I don't deal well?). Any number of things could of caused my flare but you could say I've been freaking out. And I haven't been able to "just breathe".

I honestly don't think that I hurt it too seriously but all these thoughts began running through my mind that I did hurt myself again. My biggest fear at this moment is that I am going to have to go back under the knife. And my stress level from that is off the chart.

I am not afraid of surgery. My rib surgery was the third surgery I've had in my life. Yes, I'm only twenty and I've already had three different surgeries...let's not think about that. So to say that I fear surgery is not correct. My fear is recovery. I had a really bad experience during recovery. I was allergic to the medicine they gave me. So long story short, I threw up a lot. A lot. A lot. And when you have had a breathing tube put in you; you tend to be very sore the next few weeks and so the heaving to throw up was the absolute worse.

So all of these fears are running through my mind. And I have a job to worry about. I have school to worry about. School that I can't miss. School that I want to excel in and apply myself in. A job that I want to excel in. A job that I want to love.

Basically, this pain couldn't come at a worse time.

And as you can imagine, my relationship with Christ has also taken a huge blow. First, let me express how thankful I am that anytime I do something wrong, Christ doesn't just disown me like I sometimes do to Him. It's a good thing when He was on the Cross and being abused past the point of recognition that He didn't just say, "You know, God, I don't think I want to do this anymore." My pain is simple. It's in the shoulder. No one is sitting here whipping me, nailing me to a cross, and abusing me past the point of recognition.

When in pain, when I can't deal, my first instinct is to shut down. You can ask a number of people and they will tell you that this is what I tend to do. I tend to distant myself from anyone and everyone who cares about me, including Christ.

As I am having pain at the very moment I am writing this, my first instinct is to not to thank God for who He is but ask "why me?"

I feel God is so distant in these times. But it's totally me. My prayer life has been inconsistent, my quiet time has been inconsistent, my reading has been inconsistent and I wonder why I am feeling so down and alone. And in pain?

Sometimes, as Christians, I feel that we think God is a distant God that doesn't care about us. Maybe that's a little drastic but sometimes, I feel like my hopes, dreams, fears and pain are too little for God to care. But that thought is totally bogus. It's something that the devil plants into our head so that we will continue to be INCONSISTENT.

When in actuality, God is a loving and near God. He WANTS us to literally come to Him for everything. Every single thing. To have a God that loves us that much kind of blows my stinking mind every single day. I didn't do a thing to get that privilege or that love.

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the BROKENHEARTED; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:17 -18

 

So if you are like me and you are struggling to find God's goodness during the trials and the pain -- I encourage you to rest in that verse and the truth in that. He is always here for us.

 

I also always encourage you to just breathe.

 

 



                                                                                                 Don't forget to EXHALE.





"The Thrill Of A Lifetime"

It's Sunday. I'm in Texas. Life is good.
A little over a week ago, I took my first solo flight to California. This was my first time to fly at all since 9/11. So TSA and that whole process with security really quite scared me...bad. So, I got to the airport at like 8 Saturday morning. I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before but I was stoked, nevertheless. Security was a breeze. I thought that the workers would be rude and stuck up - they were neither. I had a few conversations with the security guys and they were awesome. And super helpful. So I was stuck sitting at the airport till my flight took off.

I think that was honestly my favorite part of flying: people watching. I mean some of the things that people wear to the airport to sit on a plane. I mean, yeah, I was looking for a husband too. But I was definitely in a huge tshirt, shorts, tall socks and slides. And of course, I was rocking the visor.

I had prayed the day before that God would put a good looking, Jesus lover in the seat next to me. I want to say that I was joking but unfortunately, I wasn't. I was really hoping I'd have one of those awesomely romantic stories about meeting my husband on a plane.

It didn't happen. I got seated by a very quiet, elderly lady. I guess that was okay. :)

I landed in San Diego at 11. I had already gone through that hour in Texas so I was a little confused. San Diego was packed busy. That weekend they were hosting the ever famous Comic-Con. I was hoping to see Nathan Fillion but we all know how my luck works. But I did see a lot of veryyy interesting people. Many who were dressed in costumes and I found something very interesting...there were these "Christians" on the side of the road yelling at these people that they were going to Hell because of this whole Comic-Con thing.

Talk about dumb.

Anyway, so we didn't do anything that day. I was exhausted.

But on Sunday we went to SeaPort Village and that was sick. I loved it. But who would have thought that it would be so stinking cold in California? I had (okay, I didn't HAVE to) to buy a sweatshirt. Because, I of course, was wearing shorts and a light tshirt. I'm a Texan...we wear that every day!

My parents arrived later that day. And we didn't do too much after that.
As you can see, we are all about resting during vacation.

Monday, we went to my favorite place ever: TARGET.

I picked up some school supplies and spent way too much money. Typical.

Tuesday, we went to SeaWorld. I hadn't been to sea world in forever and it was so cool. I figured out my calling in life is to be a Shamu trainer. (This is real life)

It was beautiful to see those killer whales doing all those tricks. And it was a beautiful day outside. I also got sunburned while wearing sunscreen. White Girl Problems.

Wednesday we went to the beach. I love the beach. The second you get there and you smell the salt and fish smell - it just feels like home. Unfortunately, the water was freezing. I still got to boogie board (body surf) and regular surf as well. It was so good to be back on the water again. I got swallowed up by waves multiple times but it was so fun.

I also, once again, got super duper sunburned.

Thursday, we went to the zoo. I saw a baby giraffe nursing with it's mom. SO SO SO precious. God is so cool. I also got to see a panda, polar bear, and elephants. That was an awesome day. And yeah, I got sunburned.

Friday, we played skipbo and I got to meet up with one of my friends at Howard Payne! We had snowcones!! Rachael, if you read this, thanks! You rock! And then we went to my aunt and uncles where my uncle made steak that we put in burritos.

Yes, I broke my one rule about not eating steak. (That's a story for a different day...I'm definitely not a vegetarian though I that is what you are thinking. Although, I have thought about trying to be one. Then I remember I really really really like meat. :) )

Then Saturday morning, I flew home.

This trip to California really solidified something for me though. It solidified that I have a strong liking for the culture there. They need Jesus. I don't know where God will lead me to in life but I do know that there is a strong pull to go to California. The people are so awesome. Even those that don't know or love Jesus. I love conversing with them. (One conversation happened while waiting for my plane that was delayed)

It was a great vacation. I look forward to RA training coming up and meeting all of my girls. I'm ready to get back in the swing of school......I think. Although, I really am not looking forward to the whole "school" thing. I am ready to get back to my friends.

My Life - In A Nut Shell - Starting Over.

I haven't blogged in a real real long time. So my apologies...I will try and do better with this one. Starting over. That's a good word for what has been going down in my life.

First off, God is really good.
My life has changed dramatically in the last year. The grace I have received is more than I could ever ask for. How God could take the person I was and totally transform my thoughts and heart - it's been a whirlwind of a ride. I am so thankful for the slight change of heart and the want to be a better follower of Christ. I fail. A lot. I suck at life. It isn't my strong point but what I don't suck at is having my future secured forever. I owe it all to Christ.

Second off, I've made some physical changes too.
Like in the last year, I've had a rib taken out. Awesome right? And it's so cool to see God use that to help other people with TOS. TOS is very close to my heart and I hope someday - it will not exist. So many people struggle with it and it is totally preventable if we just become educated.

That was rant of the day.

This summer has been so super challenging for me. I've had to deal with a lot more than I ever expected. This summer, I was on Summer Staff at Howard Payne University. Basically, we help facilitate all the camps that come to campus during the summer. It's been an awesome job and probably the best part was watching a lot of campers come to know Christ. And although I wasn't directly or even at all involved with their salvations...it's been awesome to see salvations. It's been awesome to pray for the high schoolers, middle schoolers, and elementary students who came to know Jesus.

The camps have not only been good for the campers but good for me as well. I've learned a lot about myself through the different worship services and different speakers that come through. I think one of the most sentimental things I have heard came from this week. The speaker said, "God and Satan have one thing in common..." and at first, I was really skeptical. I was like... "look, bro. I know you are from DBU and think that it's okay to say something like that - but it's not ok."  For those of you who know me in real life - you can actually probably see me get my sassy pants on...but he continued. "God and Satan have one thing in common...they are both ferociously passionate for your heart."

And man, how true that is. God has already won the battle. Jesus said, "It is finished" and it was finished. But how true it is that the devil is still after our hearts. The devil is a tool. And he has used my weaknesses this summer to get me. He is such a tool. He makes me doubt my faith. He makes me doubt my God. He makes me angry, sad, and depressed. BUT GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER. I've watched Him work His magic each and every day I have been in this town this summer. I've seen myself molded into the person I have wanted to be for a long time...I have seen Him work in the lives of my coworkers. I have seen Him work in the lives of my friends. It's just been awesome.

Another thing that I did this summer was get another tattoo. *Pauses for the gasps from readers*
Let's go over the thoughts you may be thinking...
1) Since when does Katie have more than ONE tattoo?
2) Her family will kill her.

And you are right on both accounts.
My parents are not thrilled. Especially my father...so that's fun. Sometimes I wish so hard that I wasn't an only child so I wasn't the ONLY one screwing up the "perfect" family portrait we have standardized in our household. That's a blog for a different day, though.

SO...now let's discuss the tattoos.
I have one of my right shoulder that says: "Believe" in cursive. I think it has changed meanings since I got it. I got this tattoo my freshman year of college. I was just coming out of an amazing softball program where that was the entire saying for the season. I ended up giving up softball once I got into college - so I knew I wanted something on my body forever that reminded me of softball. So believe it was. I think now it means so much more. Believing for me is hard. It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe (although I do believe it with all my heart) that Jesus would die for my sins. It's hard to believe that someday I am going to be an adult (when that moment will come - I am not sure) and will have to get a real "adult" job. It's hard to believe that God has my entire future planned and I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is even going on. And I believe that I am okay with that. Believe, that's what it means to me.

The newest tattoo is on my right wrist. Contrary to popular belief, it is the perfect placement for me because I wear my watch on my right wrist. Maybe that's what has been wrong with me this whole time...I am not sure. I am right handed and I wear my watch on my right hand - let's get that out of the way. Anyway, the tattoo on my wrist says, "HE > i" and yes, the i is lowercased. It is supposed to be. You grammar Nazi's need to get over it. I wanted HE to be all caps because it literally means He is greater than I. And I think it's such a great reminder for me. He is greater than I. He will always be greater than me. Always. I tend to forget that He has the PERFECT plan for my life. I tend to forget that He is Almighty and amazing. I tend to forget that His grace is sufficient. SO - long story short - I decided on HE > i.

Thursday is my last day on the job and that practically means summer is coming to an end. I will be traveling to California for a week to spend time with my family. It's going to rock and then as soon as we get back, I am packing all over again and moving back on campus for my new job.

New jobs are crazy. Especially when it caught my COMPLETELY by surprise....

I am going to be a Resident Assistant.

HOLY MOLY.

There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe the feelings I have for the anticipation of this job. I am scared to death. I don't want my residents to hate me. I do not want to fail at this job. I suck at opening up to people and now I will have to (maybe) be the slightest bit vulnerable to them. WHY DID I GET CHOSEN? I ask myself that a lot. But I think and believe that God is going to work through these girls and work through me as well. At least...that's what I have prayed.

It's going to be a whirlwind of a year. I am only taking 13 hours but my days will be long. I will be going to class, going to observe classes at a local high school, I am involved in SAC, I will be assisting at every football game (if I told you with what - that would give the whole secret away...*hint hint*), Gamma Beta Phi Meetings, Interning at Coggin, Love Brownwood and having a social life on top of all of that. Some people (my mother) have expressed how hard this load will be but I am so excited.

This has been my life in a nutshell. Thanks for reading. Will update after California.